Full Steam Ahead!!

I have always been a hard worker. . Since the age of 13, I have worked! Casual, part-time, full time, any job I sort after and successfully obtained I saw as a blessing. I used my work as a driving force, an escape and a way to ease the never ending desire I posses, to feel wanted. I loved working, I took pride in all I did and I thrived on trying to impress my employer.

Moving meant saying goodbye to not only my friends and family but to the tingle I got everyday I walked through the doors of my work.  It was a huge chunk of my world that I sorely missed, so I was more than curious as to what would fall victim to my energy and be compensation to the void!

As the removalist unpacked their truck that contained my families whole world, my curiosity was quickly cured.  The mission in front of me was huge and I was eager to rise to the challenge. Like a passenger train, full steam ahead, I spent every waking moment unpacking, arranging and perfecting; all with a personal goal of turning the house into a home, a home that deserved to carry the name.

I took control of every part of the house, ensuring that all our belongings were placed in the ideal location and that my "home" looked just as it should.  It was not long before the course of moving was complete and I again found myself in search of  a new challenge, a way to  keep my mind stimulated and  in the process gain praise from my family.

Each day I would mentally prepare tasks that were to be carried out and completed prior to my day ending.  With all the determination and energy I could muster, I baked, I cleaned, I built and I just “did, all while being a mum and taking care of my children’s needs. Somehow I found the ability to go on and on, moving and working like a crazed madman. It was only when I began to see the sun lower, leaving its red and orange markings of its own day behind, would I sit, breathe and rest.  As the sun disappeared out of sight, I would smile, triumph over all I had achieved.

It was during one particular sunset that the epiphany hit....

 I knew I was compelled to do well; I don’t know how to do it any other way however while

I had been focused on trying to make other people happy, I had forgotten about what it was I needed and wanted.  I knew life was full of possibilities, it was a saying I had heard many times but it was now, right now that I wanted to find them for myself. 

As  the moon greeted me , a new task was added to the list........

Meeting My Future!

Through the glassiness of my tears I sat in silence, staring at the scenery that flashed before me. While the vehicle was travelling forward, thrusting me into the future, my mind lagged far behind, retracing the steps I had ran, crawled and skipped whilst making Sydney my home. I was overcome with an unfamiliar sadness. I sadness I knew I needed to shake before it took hold and ate me up completely.

I snapped back to reality and the goings on in the car. The music was playing loudly and the children and Craig were signing along in-between idol chit chat!
I could see that Craig’s face showed the markings of tear stains that had made their way down his cheeks and below his chin. Silently, he too had met with the agony of change but had somehow managed to pull himself out of the slump in record timing and stay focused on all that laid before him and his family.
If only it was that easy, if only I could find a way to be open to the change. 

As if on cue, a song on the radio caught my attention. It as the song I had mentally made tribute to our move. A sob escaped my mouth and the water works resumed as the tune filled my ears! I listened with intent to the words, they indicated that moving forward was a bitter sweet process...I couldn't of agreed more! As the song neared the end, so too did the clarity of the radio station and as the last cord was played, the radio station vanished from frequency. I couldn't help wonder if the song and station ending simultaneously was a sign telling me it was time to hold on tight and enjoy the ride.. I smiled at the thought as I wiped the tears from my face and regained my composure. A switched flicked on in my heart, and for the first time in many weeks I was able to see a glimmer of hope and a little ray of light.

Upon arrival of our destination, our new home, butterflies filled my stomach!  The car inched through the small town with children jumping up and down in their seats, heads on swivels, and pointing out all they could see. Their enthusiasm and excitement engulfed me and I too was able to join in on the show and tell of the town.   

We drove up the drive way that led to our new home. The grinding and crackle of the tyres squashing the pebbles together was another stark reminder that we were far from the city!

Then it appeared, standing tall was the house that would be our home for the next three years!  At first glance it appeared to be a rustic dwelling that showed years of wear. Paint peeled from every side. Little windows draped with blinds were plentiful and the cobble stone foundations gave the house a cottage style look, similar to ones I had seen in the movies.  It was old, unique and in its own way, perfect!
It was at that moment, I wondered about memories others had made whilst residing here and couldn't help becoming excited about what stories my family would be adding to the collection!

For what seemed like hours the children and I wandered around the house and it's surroundings, exploring and planning. Their faces would light up with each new idea and their animated expressions, electrifying.  I had never seen such smiles on their faces, and it was enough to make me realise that if just for this moment alone, the heart retching decision to relocate to the country has been the right one.

My babies upon the arrival at their new home....

 

Destination Unknown

The moment my feet hit the pavement, I was in awe of this city. The fast pace, the buzz, the shopping and the nights life was everything I had imagined Sydney to be and then some... I had arrived in Sydney with my very new boyfriend from a semi rural country town; he moved here for work and me, well, I was in search of what we are all looking for.... Something better.

WOW, that was 15 years ago!  How time had flown while I was out collecting baggage and learning the ways of the world.

The city tingle I had felt so many years ago was now a forgotten memory as I had settled into a robotic life, juggling career with family and friends while trying to live a little on the side. 

With the birth of another child and the frequency of the news articles depicting yet more horror in the suburb I called home, I wanted out.   I wanted to trade the bright lights of the city for something a little more tranquil. The idea was wonderful, in theory!  Uprooting four young children, leaving my job that I loved, my family and friends, along with all that was familiar, well, that was daunting. Daunting enough to thrust the thought  at the back of my mind and push on with the daily grind. Change was not something I took well.

My sporadic outbursts to leave had not fallen on deaf ears.  Craig, my husband had been looking at fulfilling my request to leave Sydney for some time, however with his career as a Police Officer being our bread and butter, a suitable position had to become available for him to transfer.  An impossible feat, so I thought!

The words "Baby, I got the job in the country" pierced my ears like nails down a black board.  Panic rose up to the base of my throat, suppressing any air I had left in my lungs causing me to gasp. I had wanted this for so long, why was I reacting this way?  A change was what was needed for my family; I had to find a way to embrace it or at least a way to suppress my emotions. I had to be strong for my children and show them that this move was a good thing.

 A new found love of Google was to be had as I attempted to familiarise myself with what would be, our new home town.  I researched schools, curricular activities for the children, shops, doctors and even  the local news and weather.  While well informed of the area, I was oblivious to what it would be like to resume living in a small town after so many years in the big smoke. Unfortunately, no amount of Goggling or research could prepare me for that.

The children were handling the idea of moving with ease.  They saw leaving Sydney as an adventure with a path that would lead them down many  roads filled with new friends and excitement.   I watched them closely with admiration. Their innocence was refreshing in a time where I had seen my anxiety rise to whole new levels. If only their enthusiasm could be bottled and distributed in tablet form, my outlook may of been a little more positive.

With every day inching closer to our departure, I found my attempts to keep my tempter, stress and tantrums under wraps were in vain.   All to many times I was caught by a family member or college with tears streaming down my face.  Soothing comments were given in effort to ease my mind  but I was scared and nothing anyone said was going to make that fear vanish. Fear would be a constant antagonist until I reached our destination and experienced it all for myself.

I desperately wanted to talk to Craig about how I was feeling. I wanted him to know that the prospects of our future scared the hell out of me.  I wanted to tell him that I didn't know how to walk when I had run for so long, and that being a stay at home mum was not something I believed I would be good at.  I constructed and rehearsed the conversation over and over in my head, waiting for the perfect moment to lay it all on him. That moment never came.   It seemed selfish to share my apprehension with the person who had changed his career path in order to fulfil his wife's long term dream and better his families future. The words never left my lips.

The weeks flew by, and before any of us knew it, the day that I had dreamt of for years but now dreaded had arrived.  Hasty farewells were said along with half hearted promises of trips to the bush to visit us.  Tears flowed freely as my family, pets and I piled into the jam packed van, heading for destination unknown.